Thursday, December 14, 2006

Chewing gum...


I'm against it!
Chewing gum, is there anything more vile? I'd rather have dog shit on my shoes than chewing gum, at least shit washes off.
I hate chewing gum, I wish to god it was banned. I hate the smell of it, the look of it, the way people stick it under seats and tables, letting it grow hard and tooth marked. I hate the way people spit it out-Dublin is COVERED in greasy black spots of it, I hate the way every time Britney Spears opens her mouth there's a giant wad of it on her back teeth, I hate it when people pull it into string and wrap in around ther fingers, DISGUSTING!
I hate it when some TOTAL BASTARD leaves it on a bench thus ruining the velvet coat of moi, I hate the fact that mr cat hating fatneck on the third floor chews it in the lift every day. I hate it when on a wet day I'm forced to use on a bus and while I sit there steaming gently, the girl opposite -who really look like she wasn't raised with fucking bears-sits chewing and smacking and looking vacant and vapid and-smack smack smack- like a cow chewing the cud. I want to rush across and grab her by both ears screaming 'MOO MOO!"
Bovine, stupid, empty headed, common, disgusting.
I hate the way it used to be a bad thing to chew gum and now it's not a bad thing, I liked it when people thought it was made from ant eggs and spider pieces, for all I know it could be, I like that people thought it 'stuck to the lining' of your stomach.
I hate the fact that dentists have bought into the shit and are now recommending it for your teeth, I hate that this gives bovine fatheads more excuses for going chomp chomp chomp smack.
I super really very hate it if someone next to me blows bubbles with his chonger. I will very probably give whoever that person is a bit of a dig.
Chewing gum, I am so fucking against it I can scarcely type.

44 Comments:

Blogger Student said...

Nice. I prefer a mint anyway. I am sure almost everyone has a story about chewing gum needing tobe cut out of their hair!

9:45 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Couldn't agree with you more FMC!

10:13 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jayz missus, did you get out the wrong side of the downy scratcher this morning? Take yourself off to Kilcock in Co Kildare for some reverse-aversion therapy... stand outside the gum factory there and inhale the hubba-bubba flavours gracing the local country air... that is if they haven't fucked off to China to make the stuff.

10:29 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chungum has its uses! What about those times, late on a Saturday night, when one is compelled to grind one's teeth? Because I am more against the sound of teeth grinding. UGGGGGHHHHHH. I'm wincing as I type.

10:34 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Know what you mean. The girl who sits across from me at work only stops chomping gum to munch on actual food (generally of the crunchy variety). She's the only person I've ever met who can talk and chew at the same time without missing a beat. I've started chewing like a badly brought up cow too so the sound of my own saliva slightly drowns out hers... forget smoking in the workplace, this is a torture too far!

10:37 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Just swing your bloody jaw from side to side or gurn wildly like everybody else. It's not like your going to avoid smooshing your molars or chewing the inside off your cheeks anyway, despite the eight pounds of stinking Wrigleys.
Down with chewing gum, It's time to get tough on chewing, it's time to get tough on the causes of chewing gum, i.e chewers.
When I am Queen you chewers will be first to the wall, let me tell you. Swiftly followed by people who wear thongs eight inches above their low riders.

10:41 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Slap her caro, slap her hard, and when she cries tell her it's for her own good. Keep doing it until she gets the message.

10:43 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Silly ladee. Gurning = teeth grinding. It's the clenching jaw that does it.

And Christ almighty, that's some wedgie you described there.

11:15 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm, I see where you're going, FMC. A good wad of gum could be stretched out to make that thong... mmm, cherry flavoured!

11:36 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fuckin gum stuck to the arse of your skirt.....enraging. Today is my last day in my current job. Am I emotional I was asked? Does Hungry count as an emotion other than that....no..not emotional at all.

11:45 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I tried that but she started muttering darkly about harassment in the workplace - why oh why can no-one see I'm the harassee, not the harasser?

She has a sort of a hole in front of her ear because her jaw muscles are so over-developed, do you think sticking a well-sharpened pencil through it as I have fantasised through the course of many long, saliva-punctuated meetings counts as assault?

11:48 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is possible to gurn without grinding ones teeth.

11:52 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Cate I hear ya. When my coat was covered in the stuff I go all this 'sage' advice about how to rid myself of it. Freezing, ironing with brown paper, ironing with grease proof paper, bollocks to the lot of it. NOthing made the slighest bit of difference.
Destroyed it was. And I LIKED that coat.
Fuck chewing gum. Fuck the chewers of chewing gum too.
When does the new job start?

11:53 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

That is it Twenty, think of that little midget. He's champion at it, the Heinekin label seeing bastid.

11:54 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I was a kid someone put a big wad of chewing gum into my hair, right close to the scalp. The chemist told my mother to use white spirits, and if that didn't work to use petrol to dissolve it. She used the petrol and I cried and whimpered for the (what seemed like) three hours it took her to get it out, cos it wasn't that long after Michael Jackson's hair went on fire on stage and I was terrified I was going to turn into a human fireball...

I'd almost forgotten about that particular childhood trauma...

1:02 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I hope you repaid the person who did this to you. Perhaps by kiling their first cousin or something. That might make it even Steven. If I ever come across the person whose gum destroyed my coat-unlikely but I live in hope- I'm going to drug them, and super glue all their fingers and toes together.

1:08 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sweet. Superglue sounds like poetic justice, I'd go with that one too...

2:01 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is it Twenty, think of that little midget. He's champion at it, the Heinekin label seeing bastid.

His cartoon Jeremy Irons impression is always the sign it's time to go home...

4:46 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is it Twenty, think of that little midget. He's champion at it, the Heinekin label seeing bastid.

His cartoon Jeremy Irons impression is always the sign it's time to go home...

4:50 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You could always DNA test it?????

7:16 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I could Mairéad, but I'd need some sort of lab first.
Why won't blogger let me change? I can't post on half the sites I normally blather away on. I"m Johnny-no-talk all of a sudden.
Anyway Avast! I'm heading out for a pint in my local, a place so boring time itself wont go in there.
Ciao.

8:13 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Some red-necked,gun-totin',banjo-pluckin',sister-fuckin' West Virginian fuckstick bollocks gobbed a huge wad of the shite onto the back seat of my then brand new car a few months back.
Hanging,drawing and quartering is too lenient for those bastiges.
I guess I should be grateful it wasn't chewing tobacco.

7:59 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I would have very cheerfully murdered him. You restraint is admirable

10:05 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I bet all the girls who wear thongs eight inches above their low riders all chew gum anyhow so it would be like killing two birds with one stone........I also hate when people smile while they are chewing gum and you can see it in their mouth.....blech. Everything about chewing gum is disgusting.

11:26 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree!!! didn't realise that such a civilised city as Dublin would have these mindless zombies as well as merry England in Singapore its against the law. Should be banned everywhere.

11:04 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OH MY GOSH. It is so nice to hear that people hate this more then me. I have at times taken gum out of some ones mouth. Or I leave and get far away from them. I can't stand gum chewers I am a massage thrapist and I was told it is like 500 pounds of pressure on your jaw. Have fun with TMJ and that. I hate gumm chewers they are lucky I am not crazy because if I was I would probably be like the guy in the clock tower.

8:01 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

your a crazy bitch!!
if i ever see you im going to sit there and chomp my gum right in your face and say moooo!! i chew 10 pieces a day haha your gay its just gum so settle down

2:11 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Your gay? Your gay what?

12:48 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

omg!! yes i totlally agree!
im in school so we have asigned seats and there is this one girl who smacks her gum in my eaar throughout the day!!! She sits right behind me in almost all of my classes because her last name is almoust the same as mine!! its like so annoying i can barely even concentrate on what were learnING!!1
I wish she would just close her dam mouth already!!!11 and its even more annoying because shes like perfect. she is 5'6, extremely skinny and tan, perfect teeth, and really long blond perfect hair. I come like reallly close to asking her to stop but then am to shy!! HELP ME PLEASE!!!

9:43 p.m.  
Blogger Carrie said...

Surprisingly the lips smacking part doesn't bug me, its this high pitch noise of the gum pushing the air off of the back teeth while chewing is what bugs me, at least I'm pretty sure that is how it is made. Anyone know what I'm talking about?

7:34 a.m.  
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